TO ALL PATRONS: The following materials are housed in the Restricted Section for your protection and theirs. Please observe the following advisories:
Several volumes in Aisle 7 have been known to bite. Protective gloves are available at the front desk.
The copy of Sorrows of the Infinite on shelf 3B weeps between the hours of 2:00–4:00 AM. This is considered normal behavior.
The Poetry Section (formerly Wing C) has been cordoned off since The Incident. Do not ask about The Incident.
If a book speaks to you, do not speak back. If it whispers your name, report to the Head Librarian immediately.
The card catalog is self-organizing. We have stopped trying to correct it.
— M. Ashworth, Head Librarian (1847–present)
🗄 Card Catalog
Select a drawer to browse the forbidden collection. The catalog organizes itself by mood, not alphabet. We apologize for nothing.
← Select a drawer to view entries
⏰ Most Overdue Book
"A Treatise on the Disappearance of Time"
by Dr. Erasmus Voidwalker · DDC 115.9
Checked out: November 3, 1847
Borrower: UNKNOWN (presumed spectral)
OVERDUE: calculating...
Late fees have exceeded the GDP of several small nations. The book is believed to be hiding.
🚫 Banned Authors
Cornelius Inkblot
BANNED: Works rewrite themselves overnight. A patron checked out a mystery novel and returned it as a cookbook. Then it became a manifesto. Currently: unknown genre.
Lady Seraphina Hush
BANNED: Prose causes mild levitation in 73% of readers. Three patrons were recovered from the ceiling. Insurance does not cover this.
The Collective (no individual name)
BANNED: Books authored by committee of unknown entities. Text visible only during lunar eclipses. Pages feel warm. [RESTRICTED: One copy was found breathing. It has been placed in a locked drawer with air holes.]
Professor Aldous Margin
BANNED: Footnotes are longer than main text and contain prophecies. Several have come true. We are concerned about Chapter 11.
📜 Reading Room Rules
No reading aloud after midnight. The walls are listening and they have opinions.
Do not make eye contact with Book 7. It will interpret this as a challenge.
The whispering is normal. If the whispering stops, leave immediately.
Return all materials to the front desk. Do not attempt to reshelve — the shelves have a system and they are very particular.
Food and drink are prohibited except in the case of appeasement offerings (see Form 12-C: "Appeasing a Hostile Volume").
If you find a book that was not in the catalog, do not open it. Place it in the containment bin by the east exit.
The Reading Room closes at sundown. It reopens when it feels like it.
Patrons who have been "chosen" by a book must fill out a Bonding Acknowledgment Form. The library is not responsible for emotional attachment.
[RESTRICTED: Rule 9 has been removed at the request of Rule 9. We do not speak of Rule 9.]
Enjoy your visit. The library enjoys you.
📖 Staff Picks
"The Atlas of Rooms That Don't Exist"
DDC 912.001 · by Anon.
A gorgeous cartographic work. Maps are accurate but the rooms they depict cannot be found. Or can they?
[LIBRARIAN NOTE: Three staff members have gone looking for Room 44. Two returned. The third sends postcards.]
"Conversations with Furniture"
DDC 133.8 · by E. M. Settee
A surprisingly moving oral history. The chapter on park benches will make you weep.
[LIBRARIAN NOTE: The reading chairs in Wing B have requested copies. We are unsure how to feel about this.]
"A Field Guide to Invisible Birds"
DDC 598.0 · by Dr. R. Hollow
Impeccably researched. The illustrations are blank, which the author insists is the point.
[LIBRARIAN NOTE: We can hear them. Page 73 chirps at dawn.]